What kind of a world are we living in and is it going to get better as time goes on or worse??

I work in an office in South Manchester. It’s small and open plan, and the type of place where, the instant you come through the doors, you can see all twelve people who work there.
In the last couple of weeks however, Head Office in their wisdom have deemed that we need a visitors’ book. Okay, I can probably accept this as then you have a record of who has visited, and should the need arise, you can account for everyone present in the office at any given time. What I cannot get my head around however, is that all visitors must wear a visitor’s pass, attached to a lanyard.

It’s basically one room for God’s sake.

As a rough estimate, a dozen lanyards stretched end to end would probably reach from one side of the office to the other, and the only place that a visitor could be out of sight in the office is if they went into our small meeting room and hid behind the door, although, twelve people would all have to be distracted at the same time, and all twelve would have to forget that a visitor had been in the office and had mysteriously vanished.

I am waiting for the next step whereby one of our team is assigned as Fire Marshal status and is required to wear a hi-viz jacket and hard hat whilst shouting instructions through a megaphone to the twelve of us:

‘Fire! Fire! Everyone make your way to the assembly point.’

‘Graham, stop shouting. We can all hear you anyway. And, it’s not a fire; your Mighty White got stuck in the toaster again.’

Yes, I’m sure they have our best interests in mind, but come on, it’s another example of Health & Safety gone mad. And, it’s a common disease, not just restricted to my work place.

In football last year, they banned the wearing of snoods as it was felt that players could be injured if the snood was grabbed from behind, or if they caught the garment on a cross bar (I jest not. This is UEFA’s reasoning). Now, there are those of the opinion – myself included – that snood wearers should be allowed to run that risk of hanging themselves as it would certainly amuse us and could bring a bit of medieval macabre entertainment to a boring match, and, surely a bloke wearing a snood is blatantly advertising the fact that he’d like to be taken from behind – maybe not on the pitch, more so in a ‘niche’ nightclub later that evening.

Joking aside-ish, surely if you want to throttle a player mid-game, you should be playing for The Strangeways Select XI rather than a professional outfit, and which player did UEFA have in mind who can rise above the cross bar, get his snood caught, but still be so lacking in demeanour that his feet wouldn’t touch the ground. I’d consider it a risk if we were talking about a Chinese gymnast or Jackie Chan, but we’re not, and, neither of those would be seen dead in a snood.

In a Merseyside school, it has been widely reported that football is banned in playgrounds unless the ball is made of sponge. Apparently some parents were worried about their children being struck by footballs.

The school in question is in Huyton, so let’s be honest here, a mis-kicked football is one of the least threatening things someone could be hit by in Huyton. And would the likes of Stevie Geeeeeee (who grew up in Huyton) have made it in his profession had he been restricted to playing with sponge balls?

I also presume that the kids who attend this school are only allowed to play on dry days, or there may be an ever-so-slight drowning risk when heading the ball after a rain shower.

A few seasons ago, that hat and wig wearing, tattooed John ‘Portsmouth Football Club’ Westwood was refused permission to take his bell into numerous grounds around the county in case it was used as a weapon.

Do they honestly think the man could smash someone about the head with a bell, muffle the ‘DONGGGGG!’ noise it made, and shuffle off to disappear into the crowd undetected?

If so, a Southampton supporter would be sitting there talking to police with a bell shaped bruise on his forehead:

‘Can you describe your attacker?’

‘Hmm, let me think’

It’s the same reasoning that deemed it necessary for kids to wear protective goggles whilst playing conkers, and banned three-legged and sack races at school sports days.

Let’s put it into perspective. Is there a health and safety policy in Brazil? What do you think?

Are they as stringent about rules and regulations in southern Europe?

It’s ironic that the only Britains to feature in a recent World Cup Final are a referee and linesmen.

We may have given the world football, and we made not be the best anymore, but by crikey, we’ll make sure they play it properly.

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