A.R.S.E.D

Steph’s earlier thread encroaches on the subject of a light-hearted book I am writing, tentatviely entitled A.R.S.E.D., dealing with the frustration and fall-outs associated with following Wigan Athletic and football in general when you have more responsibilities to consider than simply “I fancy going to the match today”.

A common theme throughout the book is a basic algorithm I have developed to help me decide whether to go to an away game or not. Below is an extract from the part of the (unedited) book where it is first introduced. I’ll apologise now because it’s quite long so if you can’t be arsed, I’ll understand.

Saturday, May 16th
Stoke City v. Wigan
English Premier League

Although home games are sacrosanct and unmissable, it’s fair to say that nowadays I have to pick and choose my big away trips and make the most of them when they arise. There has to be a very favourable set of circumstances in play to facilitate an away trip for me these days. I have even developed a very crude algorithm to help me decide whether I should be bothered to waste any brownie points I may have accrued on a specific away match. Appropriately enough, I call it the ARSED value. Five elements make up my ARSED value. Each element is rated on a score of 1 to 10, 1 indicating that this match ranks very low on the element in question and 10 meaning there is an extremely persuasive argument for attending this match based on this factor.

A = Armchair

It’s very difficult to argue the case for going to any away match if it is being shown live on television, especially considering the ridiculous subscription that we pay to Sky Sports for every sports channel known to man. Also, most English Premier League games are now broadcast on some dodgy foreign channel and piped illegally into many town centre pubs. Whether your team’s match will be shown in this manner rather depends on your club’s standing and that of the opposition. A landlord may decide to risk a huge fine to show Liverpool versus Chelsea if he thinks the pub will be full of lads swilling gallons of ale for the best part of two hours. He may not be so accommodating if only two men and the local hooker want to watch Bolton and Blackburn hoof the ball in the air and kick lumps out of each other all night. Many games are streamed live on the internet too, but anyone who views this as serious alternative to watching live football is seriously deranged. A match shown live on free to air terrestrial television would have an ARSED score of 1; clearly there is no need to leave the house. If, however, the only possible way to keep in touch with what is happening during a particular match is to tune into the bush telegraph or the BBC World Service, this will score closer to a 10.

R = Reputation

Having watched football for nigh on forty years, I have been to many, many grounds and watched many, many teams beat Wigan. So, I generally don’t get that excited about visiting the actual stadiums although there are still some of what I call ‘proper’ football grounds that I still enjoy going to, especially given the vast array of drab concrete monstrosities that many football stadia have become – Wigan’s JJB stadium, to name just one. Liverpool’s Anfield, Villa Park and Molyneux in Wolverhampton are among those that I would deem to be proper football stadia. The quality and reputation of the opposition is also significant as this will have an impact on the standard of football you are likely to see. I would gladly watch every match that Wigan play, given the choice, but if it comes down to a straight call between Manchester United and Burnley, there is usually only one winner.

S = Significance

At different times of the season, the same fixture can have a very different significance. First and last games of the season are usually favoured trips regardless of the opposition, and holiday fixtures like Christmas and Easter are good times to travel away. The league table can also have a significant impact on the decision to attend a game or not. For example, I might not fancy the long trip to Portsmouth on a Tuesday night, but if relegation or a European place (ha!) depends on it then it is my solemn duty as fan to try to get there. You should also try to attend the debut game of a big new signing to offer support as he find his feet in his new surroundings. So, there are many factors that you can use to convince your significant other that this is a must-see game. The greater the significance of the game, the greater the ARSED value.

E = Expense

This is not the most important factor by any means. Match ticket prices are all around the £30 with the notable exceptions of the likes of Chelsea and Tottenham who need you to sell your house before you can afford to step inside their ground. Obviously, the travel costs will increase the further afield you go but the differences are not huge. In any case, both these costs are dwarfed by the huge amounts of money sent on beer. Neither myself nor H are tight with money and so it is not a major factor compared to other ARSED elements. However, I include it in my algorithm in the vain hope that it in the future I will have the difficult task of justifying a five-day trip to see us play Slovan Bratislava in a Champions League group game. Well, can’t a man dream? Most matches would have an ARSED Expense value of 5, purely by way of an index position.

D = Domesticity

Prevailing domestic plans and arrangements are by far the most important consideration in planning an away trip. As I have said, I work in France during the week and so it is a bit rich to come home late on a Friday night then spend all of Saturday traveling to and back from London before scarpering back to France on the Sunday. If there is a game I really want to go to then I will try to take a day holiday immediately before or after the match to appease H on the Alex-caring front. For example, the day before the West Brom game we had a family day out at Drayton Manor theme park, earning me a bath-full of brownie points to spend on the Birmingham trip. Unfortunately, it is not always easy to wangle this.

So, here’s my likely entry in A.R.S.E.D for tomorrow’s game.

Armchair (3/10 – As a Saturday afternoon 3pm kick-off, there is every chance it will be available to view on a foreign channel in the pub, especially as there are some big games being televised live this weekend at other times.

Reputation (3/10) – Despite their claims to the contrary, Sunderland are not the biggest club in the universe. Besides, I have been there a few times before already.

Significance (4/10) – Both teams are poor at the moment so the chances of a rubbish game are high. This needs to be tempered by the fact that our new signing, Victor Moses might play. Then again, he might not.

Expense (5/10) – One of the longer journeys and therefore quite costly in terms of beer volume.

Domesticity (2/10) – Due to a number of recent postponements because of the bad weather, we have a number of re-arranged home games on the horizon which ordinarily should not have a bearing on away trips. Couple this with the fact that my first week in my new job has left Alex petrified that his dad will never be at home again then disappearing for the whole of Saturday is not the best policy.

Decision (17/50) – Overall, it’s a ‘No’ from me

I still haven’t decided whether to publish, or even finish writing, the thing yet. I’ll leave that decision until after the World Cup. Nevertheless, I think I will publish the ARSED value for each match from here to the end of the season. If only to see how many people will want me to be burned at the stake for not going to Chelsea away.