I looked into my new girlfriend’s eyes and said, “I would like to make love to your soul.”
“Awww, any time baby, that is so romantic.” she smiled.
“Great..” I replied. “I think I’ll start with your r-soul.”
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I just bought Condoms, and when the cashier asked do you need a bag? I just said No she isn’t that ugly.
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A bloke takes his mates to see his new flat, after a few beers, one of the lads asks him: “What’s the big brass gong for?”
The host says: “It’s my speaking clock!”
“How does it work?”
“I’ll show you,” he says, and hits it full pelt with a club hammer.
A voice from next door yells: “For f***s sake you c***, it’s twenty to three in the f***ing morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
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(classic alert!)
Before me and the missus had sex she said, “If you turn off the light, you can shove it up my arse.”
With hindsight, I probably should have waited until the bulb had cooled down.
