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A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he’s pulled over by the police. The police officer approaches him and asks, “Have you been drinking, Sir?” “No. Why?” replies the man. “Was I all over the road?” “No,” replies the officer, “You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious.”
:lol: :lol: :lol: Quality
How about some ol’ fashioned Tommy Cooperesque groaners:
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘That’s Aboriginal.’
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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said ‘Tenpin?’ I said, ‘No, permanent.’
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.’
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. ‘Best before End’
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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue.’ I said ‘No, just a watch.’
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I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle.’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood’ I said, ‘Where is he then?’
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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He’s bi-satchel.More later……………..if you can stand ’em
Two newlyweds arrive at the honeymoon suite on their wedding night. The groom says,
“Honey, I’ve got a confession to make…I’m addicted to golf! I have to be out on the course morning, noon, and night. I don’t
know how you want to deal with it, but I’m going to be out there”“That’s OK!” said his blushing bride, “I’ve got a confession to make too… I’m a hooker!”
“No big deal!” replied the groom, “Just loosen your grip, and open the club face.”
I asked the Librarian for a book on suicide.
“You’re in luck.” she said, “Some bald bloke’s just brought it back.”
More from the Tommy Cooper school of comedy………..
I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.’
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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, its P something T something R.
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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
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The recruitment consultant asked me ‘What do you think of voluntary work? I said ‘I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.’
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I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, ‘You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.’ He said, ‘No, this is for the custard.’
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me..’
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I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, ‘Are you having me on?’ I said, ‘Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.’I know…..I know……..awfull (but there’s more of ’em)
M
Michael Jackson was very disappointed when Steven gately came to heaven . He thought they said someone from Boys home Was coming
2 Irish couples decide to swap partners. Afterwards Paddy said to Murphy that’s the best fuck I’ve ever had, I wonder how the girls got on ?
Yesterday, my mum asked me to hand out invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party. That’s when I realised he was the favourite twin. :D
I got fined today for letting my dog foul in the park.
He ran up and tackled a poodle from behind. :lol:
At a recent Englang training session, Rooney collects the ball, and dribbles around Wright-Phillips, around Ferdinand, Richards, Cole and finally Heskey. Fabio Capello shakes his head and shouts…….……..”around the CONES Wayne, the f£ck!n CONES!”
:shock:
:o
Funny though !!
When they found Stephen Gateley’s body he had a chocolate bar sticking out of his a***.
They reckon it was George Michael and a careless wispa !!!!
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss
This was mine, her name was Sally & she lived next door, my best friend, well for all of that summer.
So out playing one day down by the farm, we’d stopped for shelter from a shower of rain in an old barn.
I was playfully running my fingers through sally’s hair when she started to kiss me, her mouth slightly open I could feel her tongue with mine.
It was my first real kiss, and I loved it.
I fell head over heels in love that day.
We often visited the barn during that long hot summer & it didn’t stop at just kissing, but sadly a couple of months later Sally was involved in a car accident and had to be put down.Just when you though it was safe to read this thread again………
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them ‘Can I have a skip outside my house?’ He said, ‘I’m not stopping you!’
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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says ‘Audi!’
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I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, ‘Nearest the bull goes first’ He went ‘Baah’ and I went ‘Moo’ He said ‘You’re closest’
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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I’d been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I’d been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened.. I said ‘I careered off the road’
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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny: you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
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I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said ‘Eurostar’ I said ‘Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.
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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.’
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I went to the local video shop and I said, ‘Can I borrow Batman Forever?’ He said, ‘No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow’
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A waiter asks a man, ‘May I take your order, sir?’ ‘Yes,’ the man replies. ‘I’m just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?’ ‘Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.’Last ones………………..I promise………………….
………………….no honestly (I just loved good ‘ol Tommy)
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