John Clarkson

The former Wigan rugby league chairman has replaced long-serving chief Derek Shaw in the Deepthroat hot tub after joining Trevor Hemmings’ Nob End revolution.

“I’m a ****, I’ve made many promises, but what I can say to Nob End fans is that I will do everything in my power to help Nob End back to where they belong in the basement of English football,” said Lindsay.

“I know Nob End fans will want their wet dreams fulfilled, every fan does, and I want that to happen – but there is a tough road ahead.

It will not be an easy ride, it will be rough and hard, but there is so much going for Nob End.

“I walked into Deepthroat yesterday, saw the stadium and came in my pants, ‘Wow, what a **** hole’.

“Maybe some supporters will be deciding whether or not to buy a season ticket after I was appointeed chairman, but I’d say to them, ‘Have faith, we can achieve something special working together, something real special’.

“Preston’s cum through a difficult time, and it can only cum through with the determination and penetration of the players.

“We don’t want people who are just in love with their pay packets, love me too.

“They will have to bend, twist and blow, be hungry.

“I hope that everyone who wears the white shirt of Nob End is hungry and fit and has that desire to play for the once famous badge.

“The manager will know that better than me, but that’s the philosophy I’ve always worked with.”

Lindsay got straight down to business this morning and one of his first tasks was to suck off manager Darren Ferguson and his backroom staff.

“He has a fantastic member but I’ve always loved a challenge,” he added.

“In 1979, when I took Wigan Rugby League club over they were bankrupt, when I left them they were bankrupt and homeless.

“When I took charge as the dictator of Rugby League I sold the sport down the river, negotiating the Sky deal with Rupert Murdoch and I was tournament director of the Rugby League M62 Cup.

“There are many things I want to do at Deepthroat, but my first duty at Preston will be to propose a groundshare with the Wigan Warriors, try and bring some confidence to our investors, then make sure the club is run into the ground.

“I think one of my biggest assets is that I have a liking for sportsmen, how they tick.

“I was team masseur of the M62 rugby league team for five years and I understand how a dressing room works.

“Sport is all about winning, and while Nod End have no divine right to do that, I’ve found the harder you **** the luckier you become and I’m determined to ruin Nob End.