Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Whoooaa!
Mr Landgateblue
I’ll take his football prediction and raise him tonight’s lottery
……..7, 8, 14, 21, 35, 42
;)
Ill take your face and smash it in if you dont shut up…
Oh and the post wasn’t even me. was a mate last neet… Im quite confident it will be 3-2.. also rodallega[/quote]I see Billy Smart’s back in town………….. :roll:
Whoooaa!
Mr Landgateblue
I’ll take his football prediction and raise him tonight’s lottery
……..7, 8, 14, 21, 35, 42
;)
A Scouser is sat in a bar having a few drinks. In walks a gay guy who eyes him up. After a few beers the gay guy finally plucks up the courage to speak to the Scouser.
“Do you fancy a b1@w job?” he whispers………….
The Scouser picks up the bar stool and batters the guy to a pulp, kicking him out the door. The barman comes over and says.
“Jeeeez! That was a bit brutal, what did he say to you?”
‘Dunno’ replied the Scouser………..
……………..”something about a job”
Takes longer and is gay
Now this wouldn’t be you ‘coming out’…………..would it?
Just an observation like.
I lost count the amount of times he mentioned the word fag!!!!![/quote]
He even told a ‘joke’ about a gay fish on the joke thread……….
……………………….twice :shock:
Takes longer and is gay
Now this wouldn’t be you ‘coming out’…………..would it?
Just an observation like.
BRAVE MAN JOKES
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) TelawomanHow are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They’re both fun to ride until your friends find out.What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don’t have balls to scratch.Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she’s been told twice already.If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too longHow many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with ‘A man once told me…’How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won’t do what she’s toldI married a Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was Always.Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by
90%..
It’s called a Wedding Cake.Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.:twisted:
Just when you though it was safe to read this thread again………
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them ‘Can I have a skip outside my house?’ He said, ‘I’m not stopping you!’
——————————–
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says ‘Audi!’
————————–
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, ‘Nearest the bull goes first’ He went ‘Baah’ and I went ‘Moo’ He said ‘You’re closest’
——————————
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I’d been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I’d been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened.. I said ‘I careered off the road’
———————-
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny: you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
————————-
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
————————
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said ‘Eurostar’ I said ‘Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.
—————————
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.’
——————————–
I went to the local video shop and I said, ‘Can I borrow Batman Forever?’ He said, ‘No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow’
——————————–
A waiter asks a man, ‘May I take your order, sir?’ ‘Yes,’ the man replies. ‘I’m just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?’ ‘Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.’Last ones………………..I promise………………….
………………….no honestly (I just loved good ‘ol Tommy)
Mr Griff
I don’t think you have quite grasped Mr Yicks reverse dark cynicism – and he’s been around this board, and others, for quite some time.
I must admit it took me a while also…………
More from the Tommy Cooper school of comedy………..
I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.’
—————————
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, its P something T something R.
—————————-
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
—————————-
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
—————————
The recruitment consultant asked me ‘What do you think of voluntary work? I said ‘I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.’
————————–
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, ‘You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.’ He said, ‘No, this is for the custard.’
———————-
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me..’
————————–
I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, ‘Are you having me on?’ I said, ‘Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.’I know…..I know……..awfull (but there’s more of ’em)
M
:lol: :lol: :lol: Quality
How about some ol’ fashioned Tommy Cooperesque groaners:
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘That’s Aboriginal.’
———————–
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
————————
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said ‘Tenpin?’ I said, ‘No, permanent.’
———————–
I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.’
—————————-
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. ‘Best before End’
—————————
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue.’ I said ‘No, just a watch.’
——————————
I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle.’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood’ I said, ‘Where is he then?’
————————–
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He’s bi-satchel.More later……………..if you can stand ’em
Only one problem, wages. He was getting 50k per week at CountyActually it was only £40K per week (but let’s not let a good made up statisic get in the way of a reported fact eh?
What can happen though is the need for a bit of ‘creative accounting’ along the lines of:
“Look Sol we can only pay you twenty grand a week, however, as we are not shelling out to buy you we can give you a nice signing on fee. Bad news is we need to spread the payments….how does twenty grand a week for 2 years sound?”
That is, of course, if we were serious about adding him to the squad.
If you’re after a punt on another stiker for the club why not have a go for Benjani from City.
Not a bad lad, premiership proven…….and he must be really pi55ed that he has dropped so far down the pecking order now (probably 4th choice at best) that he fears he will not be getting first team football. Something I think we could offer.
