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A Wiganer is on a business trip to the States and while he’s there is taken to see the “Famous Red Indian Memory Man.”
His hosts tell him that the aforementioned knows every fact in the world and challenges the Wiganer to ask a question.
“OK then. What game saw Latics promoted to the Premier League, what was the score, and who scored the final goal?”
The Indian replied “8th May 2005, beat Reading 3-1 at the JJB Stadium, Nathan Ellington scored the final goal”. Wiganer exits very impressed.
Fifteen years later he’s back in the town and wonders whether the Indian is still around. To his surprise he finds he is.
He walks up to him and, trying to be friendly, says “How!”
“Cross from Jason Jarrett, nodded down into bottom corner”.
I’ll get me coat.
BRAVE MAN JOKES
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) TelawomanHow are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They’re both fun to ride until your friends find out.What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don’t have balls to scratch.Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she’s been told twice already.If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too longHow many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with ‘A man once told me…’How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won’t do what she’s toldI married a Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was Always.Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by
90%..
It’s called a Wedding Cake.Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.:twisted:
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, “OK old fart, time for you to retire”
The old rooster replies, “Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can’t you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?”
The young rooster says, “Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.
” The old rooster says, “I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around
the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.” The young rooster laughs.“You know you don’t stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.”
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and – BOOM – he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, “Darn…..third gay rooster I bought this month.”
A Scouser is sat in a bar having a few drinks. In walks a gay guy who eyes him up. After a few beers the gay guy finally plucks up the courage to speak to the Scouser.
“Do you fancy a b1@w job?” he whispers………….
The Scouser picks up the bar stool and batters the guy to a pulp, kicking him out the door. The barman comes over and says.
“Jeeeez! That was a bit brutal, what did he say to you?”
‘Dunno’ replied the Scouser………..
……………..”something about a job”
Stick too egg n bacon replys you gimp :arrow:
All right so I said there wouldn’t be any more but I couldn’t resist…..
More Cooper Jokes:
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It’s costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
A woman told her doctor, ‘I’ve got a bad back. ‘The doctor said, ‘It’s old age.’ The woman said, ‘I want a second opinion. ‘The doctor says, ‘OK. you’re ugly as well.’
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
I went to the corner shop – bought 4 corners
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other – you drive I’ll man the guns.
I went into a butchers and I said, ‘I’ll have a pound of sausages. ‘He said, ‘I’m very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. ‘I said, ‘Okay then I’ll have a pound of kilos.’
So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: ‘What do you want’, I said, ‘I want to stay here’. She said, ‘Well stay there’ and shut the window.
‘I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, ‘Look, this chicken I got here is cold. ‘He said, ‘It should be, it’s been dead two weeks.’
I said, ‘Not only that. ‘He’s got one leg shorter than the other. ‘He said, ‘What do you wanna do with it, eat it or dance with it?’
I said, ‘Forget the chicken, give me a lobster, and he brought me this lobster. I said just a minute, he’s only got one claw. ‘He said ‘Well he’s been in a fight. ‘I said, ‘Well give me the winner.’“He said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library’. I thought ‘That’s a turn-up for the books.'”
“So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.'”
“So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said ‘I want to buy an ice-cream’. He said Hundreds & thousands?’ I said ‘We’ll start with one.’ He said ‘Knickerbocker glory?’ I said ‘I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.’
“So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are.'”
“So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said ‘It depends where you’re calling from.'”
I went to the chemist and said “Can you make something up for me?”
He said “Frank Sinatra was in here this morning”.These jokes are actually so bad they are amazing!!!
keep ’em comin!!
Did you hear about the blonde skydiver?
She missed the earth!Why can’t women ski?
There’s no snow between the kitchen and the bedroom!A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar. He’s going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, ‘I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, arse hole. What makes you think you c…an stereotype women that way? What does a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person… because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but also women in general, all in the name of humor’Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, ‘You stay out of this mister. I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee.’
The only cow in a small town in Aberdeenshire stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found they could buy a cow down in
Forfar for £200.00.They bought the cow from Forfar and the cow was wonderful. It produced
lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very
happy.They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more
cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply
again.They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move
away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away
from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very
wise, what to do.They told the Vet what was happening.
“Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side.”
The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, “Did you buy this cow in Forfar?”
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.
“You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow in Forfar?”
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, “My wife is from Forfar.”
LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, ‘ Licence and registration, please.’
London Lawyer says, ‘What for?’
Glasgow cop says, ‘Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.’
London Lawyer says, ‘I slowed down, and no one was coming…’
Glasgow cop says, ‘Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.’
London Lawyer says, ‘What’s the difference?’
Glasgow c op says, ‘The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that’s the law,
Licence and registration, please!’London Lawyer says, ‘If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.’
Glasgow cop says, ‘Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.’
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says ‘Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?’
Can you imagine this guy going 90 mph on his way to get to the game with these balloons trailing a few yards behind him?
Instructions for a fun time on the motorway…………..
Step 1. Tie balloons to car.
Step 2. Drive like a bat out of hell.
Step 3. Watch people freak out!!!!I don’t care who you are….that’s funny.
:lol: :lol: :lol:
The War Weary Marine
The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length
looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed,
middle-aged, French woman’s poodle.The war-weary Marine asked, “Ma’am, may I have that seat?”
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular
“Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.”The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was
under that dog.“Please, ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired.”
She snorted, “Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!”
This time the Marine didn’t say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.The woman shrieked, “Someone must defend my honour! This American
should be put in his place!”An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, “Sir, you Americans seem
to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing…You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”
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