The Joke Thread……

Forums Non Football Stuff The Joke Thread……

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  • #130270

    Lifted from a Blackpool message board:

    A bloke received the following text from his neighbour:

    I’m so sorry Bob, I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

    I’ve been tapping your wife, day and night, when you’ve not been around. In fact, more than you.

    I don’t get it at my house, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again.

    The husband, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife.

    A few moments later, a second text came in:

    Sorry Bob, I meant “wifi” not “wife” ….

    #131849
    pemblue 1932pemblue 1932
    Player

      following the death of Rik Mayall i thought i would search for him on google so i typed in bottom and the young ones. I am currently writing this from my police cell !!!

      #131929

      Two horses in a fridge. One says to the other – Brrrrrrrrrr

      (have to say it out loud for maximum effect)

      #132028

      Louis Suarez has said in an interview that he hopes to escape punishment for the bite during the Italy game. He is desperate to play in the next stage and said “I cannot wait to get my teeth stuck in to Columbia” :lol:

      #134876

      How do you know when a Scoucer is cold?

      He has his hands in his own pockets ;)

      #134897
      SammySammy
      Player

        Paddy and Mick are working on a roof. Paddy is on top of the ladder and starts to feel unwell.

        “I’ll have to come down Mick”, say Paddy. “I’m a bit dizzy. I need to go home”.

        “Have you vertigo?” says Mick.

        “No, I only live round the corner”, replies Paddy.

        #135287

        When I was young I decided to enrol for Medical School. At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important body part which is most useful when erect.

        Those who answered SPINE are now Surgeons whilst the rest are on internet joke sites

        #135288
        LaticInLeighVinny Priest
        Player

          Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?

          Because it wouldn’t be a nose. It’d be a foot.

          #150868
          JaytJayt
          Chairman

            I went to a zoo once and all they had was one dog. It was a Shih Tzu….

            FA Cup Winners 2013, sounds good that

            #151198
            LincsWiganFanSeb Gigner
            Player

              A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

              The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can’t tell you because you’re not a monk.

              The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

              The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

              That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

              The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

              We can’t tell you because you’re not a monk.

              The man says, all right, all right. I’m dying to know.

              If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

              The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk….

              The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

              The monks reply, “Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.
              We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

              The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

              The man reach for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks “May I have the key?”

              The monks give him the key, and he opens the door..

              Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone… The man requests the key to the stone door.

              The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

              Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.

              The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.

              But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

              #151201

              It’s a good job you don’t post very often :D

              #151218
              JaytJayt
              Chairman

                My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

                FA Cup Winners 2013, sounds good that

                #151220

                At Carrow Road the other week I saw a guy with “Norwich City” tattooed on his fingers

                (Too subtle?)

                #151271
                JaytJayt
                Chairman

                  A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .
                  Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher…….

                  FA Cup Winners 2013, sounds good that

                  #151578

                  A nurse after finishing work needed to go to the bank. She was asked to sign a document and reached for her top pocket. She pulled out an anal thermometer and said, “some arseole has got my pen”

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                Forums Non Football Stuff The Joke Thread……