> An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He
> immediately dials 999.
>
> Irishman: ”It’s me wife! I’ve accidentally shot ‘er & I tink I’ve
> killed ‘er!”
>
> Operator: ”Please calm down, Sir, can you first make sure she is
> actually dead!”
>
> *click* *BANG*
>
> Irishman: ”Okay, done that. What next?’
We just can’t keep the good man down (hail Tommy Cooper)
A man walked into the doctors and said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places?” The doctor said, “Well, don’t go there anymore!”
I went to the butchers the other day and bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
A man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. The Doc says, “I’ll give you some cream for that.”
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know, I’ve cut your arms off.”
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
So I went to the dentist. He said “Say Aaah.” I said “Why?” He said “My dog’s died.'”
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “Your round.” The other one says “So are you, you fat slob”
My wife and I were married in a toilet: it was a marriage of convenience.
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other “Does this taste funny to you?”
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh
A neutron walks into a bar. “I’d like a beer” he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. “How much will that be?” asks the neutron. “For you?” replies the bartender, “no charge.”
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron.” The other says “Are you sure?” The first says, “Yes, I’m positive…”
A man gets on a train and sits next to a young woman reading a book called ‘Sex Statistics’. “Any good?”, he asks. “Fascinating – American Indians have the widest pr1cks, and Polishmen the longest. By the way, I’m Jane.” “Hi,” he says. “I’m Tonto Palawlaski.”
I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn’t very happy.
I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we both got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided we’d take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.
So I said to this Chinese waiter, “Are there any Chinese jews”, so he went away and when he came back he said, “no, there’s only apple juice, pineapple juice…
I went to the doctors the other day and I said “have you got anything for wind”, so he gave me a kite.
I went to the doctor and I said “it hurts when I do that”, he said “well, don’t do it.”
A worriors fan walking his dog when he bumped in to a genie. The genie granted him one wish. The worriors fan said i wish that my dog wins crufts.The dog had 3 legs .dreadful.fleas.most teeth missing 1.eye and only 1 .ear The genie replied im a genie not miracle worker.make another wish.The worriors fan replied O.K i wish for wigan rugby to win the league. the challange cup .and have our own ground .The genie shook his head and said ,giz another look at that fooking dog :lol: :lol: :lol:
Bobbyswigan and Laticsmainmon were sitting down for a break in their new shop in Wigan. As yet, the shop wasn’t open, it had no stock and only a few shelves set up.
Bobbys said to Latics, ‘I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling’.
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.
‘What’s up?’ she asks.
‘I think I’m having a heart attack,’ cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she’s dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, ‘Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your wardrobe and she’s got no clothes on!’
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
‘You rotten ‘Bitch’, she screams. ‘My husband’s having a heart attack, and you’re running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!’
Bob took the players out last night for a meal to take things off their minds. The waiter asked him for his order and he replied ” I will have the roast beef and roasted potatoes please ” The waiter asked ” And What about the vegetables ? ” Bob replied ” They will all have the same as me ” !!!!
A boy is walking along the street and a car pulls up. The man says, “I’ll give you £10 and a bag of sweets if you get in the car!”
The boy replies, “No way!”
The man says, “£50 and a bag of sweets.”
The boy says, “Leave me alone!”
The man says, “£100 and a bag of sweets.”
The boy yells, “F**k off, Dad! I’m not going to Anfield to watch that s**t!”
Some more daily groans for you………..(in a Tommy Cooper voice)
My wife phoned me just before the show, and she said, “I’ve got water in the carburettor.” I said, “where’s the car?” she said, “in the river.”
I went to the dentists, he said “my teeth are all right but my gums have gotta come out
I backed a horse today, 20 to 1… came in at 20 past 4.
He was so late coming in, he had to tip-toe back to the stables. The Jockey kept hitting him with the whip and the horse said to him “what are you doing that for, there’s nobody behind us.
Oh, what a day I’ve had… I went to see the doctor today, I had to he’s ill. And he said to me “can I help you?” and I said “Yes, I keep dreaming these beautiful girls keep coming towards me and I keep pushing them away… these beautiful girls keep coming towards me and I keep pushing them away.” So he said “what do you want me to do?” and I said “break me arms.
saw this girl across the room. I cocked one eye at her, she cocked one eye at me. There we stood, cock-eyed.
Doctor, I can’t pronounce my F’s, T’s and H’s. “Well you can’t say fairer than that then”.
I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs…. but she’s good with the kids….
I slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace…..
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: ‘Can I help, sir?’ ‘No thanks,’ says the blind bloke. ‘Just looking.’
Last night I slept like a baby. I woke up three times, wet myself twice and cried myself back to sleep each time.
I came home one night and my wife was crying. I said “what’s wrong? She said “I’m home sick.” I said “This is your home.” She said “Yes and I’m sick of it”
My wife had a go at me last night She said “You’ll drive me to my grave”. “I had the car out in thirty seconds”
I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.
One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down. “Can’t you ring your bell?” She said “I can ring my bell,” I said “But I can’t ride my bike”