- This topic has 344 replies, 69 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 9 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
A policeman knocked on my door earlier. He said, “It looks like your wife’s been in an accident.”
Cheeky ba***rd! I knocked him out.
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends?
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?Sorry if you’ve heard this before…….still make me chuckle
Alex Ferguson flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football,
and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to
England.Two weeks later United are 4-0 down to City with only 20 minutes left.
The Manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod, and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation and scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the
game for United.The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the
media love the new star.When the player comes off the pitch, he phones his Mum to tell her
about his first day in Premiership football.‘Hello Mum, guess what?’ he says.
‘I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we
won. Everybody loves me ˆ the fans, the media they all love me’.‘Wonderful’, says his Mum, ‘let me tell you about my day.
Your father got shot in the street and robbed; your sister and I were
ambushed; gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of
looters; and all the while you were having such a great time’.The young lad is very upset.
‘What can I say Mum, except that I am very sorry?’
‘Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!’ explodes his Mum.
‘It’s your bloody fault we moved to Manchester in the first place’!! :shock:
Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him. Mick says, ‘How you doin?’
Paddy says, ‘Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.’
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy’s gorgeous 19 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed.
Mick says, ‘Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with the both of you.’ They say, ‘Get away with ya…. prove it.’
Mick shouts downstairs, ‘Paddy, both of em?’ Paddy shouts back, ‘Of course both of em, what’s the point of having only one?’
Blonde Password
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using
the following password:MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyLondon
When asked why such a long password,
She said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and
include at least one capital.Bruce the Austrailian millionaire is having a B.B.Q round his pool All his mates are there .plus Abdul the local shop keeper After a few beers Bruce shows them the 15.ft croc he keeps in the pool and bets a million dollars to any 1 who can beat it in a fight The next thing you see .Abdul is in the pool wrestling.biting gouging the lot .kills it and climbs out .WOW. Bruce says I owe you a million.Dont want it says Abdul. A car then and a rolex No he replies .Well what do you want ?Abdul says i want the f-ck-r who pushed me in :lol: :lol:
A woman from Bolton is about to get married, her mum says “Beverly you do realise when your married your husband will wanna stick his most prized thing into where you pee?” Daughter replies “Shut up Ma how the hell is he gonna fit his Transit van in the sink!”
:shock:
WIGAN CHAT UP LINES.
1. duz tha fart?
coz tha blows me away.2. ist thi mam n dad retarded ?
cos thas special!!3. me luv for thee is like avin shits?
I just can’t hold it in…4. is there a mirror in ya knickers ?
cos I con see misell in um..5. tha body reminds me of a spanner..?
everytime I think of thee me nuts tighten …up….6. tha might not be best lookin bird in here, but beauty is only just a leet switch away….
7. as bin wathchin thee dancin, an thee doesn’t sweat much for a fat lass…
Anne Robinson:– What was Hitlers first name? Contestant:- Heil.
Terry Wogan:- Which Duke resides at Woburn Abbey? Contestant:- Hazzard
Question:- Who painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel? Answer:- Leonardo Di Caprio
Presenter:- According to legend,who shot an apple from his son`s head? Answer. Well, straight away I`m thinking of Isaac Newton.
Steve Wright on radio 2:- On what part of the body is a Lobtomy performed? Reply:- The bottom
Anne Robinson:- What is the most notherly city on the Britih Isles? Contestant:- Italy
Presenter:- Emmental & Gloucester are both types of what? Caller:- Banks
Anne Robinson on the Weakest Link again:- What type of bear lives inthe Artic? Reply:- Penguin
Presenter:- What name does Cat Stevens go under now? I`ll give you a clue,he became a Muslin. Reply:- Abu Hamza
Anne Robinson:- Who won the U.S. Open Tennis Championship wearing a black dress modelled on Audrey Hepburn`s in `Breakfast at Tiffanys? Contestant:- Roger Federer
Steve Wright:- Johhny Weismuller died on this day. What jungle-swinging character did he play? Reply:- Jesus
Anne Robinson:- The point on a tennis racket or golf club is known as the what spot? Contestant:- The `G` spot.
Presenter:- Name a film begining with the letter S ? Reply:- Answer
Anne Robinson:- What `T` did british prisoners of war use to escape from second world war prison camps? Cntestant:- Don`t know. was it herbal?
Question:- Was the `Tyrannosaurus Rex` a carnivore or a herbivore? Cntestant:- No,it was a dinosaur.
Anne Robinson:- what `B` was a pseudonym used by Charles Dickens? Reply:- Bart Simpson
Presenter:- Which ancient army was discovered in China in1974? Contestant:- The Territorial Army.
Question:- Name Prince Charles younger sister? Caller:- Is it Camellia?
Ronnie Irani:- In six nations rugby,what s the traditional emblem of the French Team? Reply:- An onion
Steve Wright:- Which blood sucking creature was created by Bram Stoker? Caller:- The Leech
JamieTheakston:- How many days are left between now and the end of the year? Contestant:- How long do I have to work it out? Theakston:- Five more seconds. Contestant:- Er–700.
Anne Robinson:- Three stumps with two bails on top are essential equipment in which sport? Contestant:- Horse racing
Paul Bunker:- Who was the Roman god of war? I`ll give you a clue. It`s a type of chocolate bar. Caller:- Twix
Katie Price asked her son Harvey what he’d like to be when he grows up… ‘A teacher, mummy’ he replied, Katie said..’Dont be so f**king stupid, You cant even control your own pupils!’ :D
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn’t have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a ‘for sale’ sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
‘Well, it’s quite simple, really,’ says the seller, ‘whenever the bike is outside and it’s gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It Protects it from the rain.’
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her Parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house Sandra stops him and says, ‘I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.’
‘When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.’
‘No problem,’ he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation..
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mum horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.He looks at her mum..
‘She’s got a great body,’ he thinks. So he grabs the mum, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket…
Suddenly the father shouted….’I’ll do the f****** dishes!!!’
Paddy had been drinking in his local pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day.
Mick, the barman notices he’s a bit worse for wear and says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’.
‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’, he replies.
Paddy spins around on his stool, steps off and falls flat on his face.
‘Shoite’ he says, pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again.
‘Shoite, ‘Shoite!’, mutters Paddy.He looks to the doorway and thinks if he can just get some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door, shimmies up the door frame, sticks his head outside, takes a deep breath and feels much better. He steps out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face.
‘Bi’ Jeysus, I’m fockin’ focked,’ he says.
He can see his house just down the road so crawls to the door, hauls himself up the frame, opens the door and falls inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and thinks, ‘No fockin’ way’, but manages to claw his way upstairs and force himself upright against the bedroom door. ‘If I can just make it into bed’, he whispers. He steps into the room and falls flat on his face.
‘Fock it’, he says and manages to crawl into bed.The next morning his wife walks into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Good morning Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?’
‘Yes’, says Paddy. ‘I did. I was fockin’ pist. But how do you know?’
‘Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub’.
It is near the end of the school term, Christmas is almost here and there is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is nearing the end of the day.
The teacher says, “Whoever answers the questions I ask first and
correctly can leave early today.” Little Johnny says to himself, “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question”.The teacher asked, “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?” Before
Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, “That American President Abraham Lincoln”. The teacher
said, “That’s right Susie. You can go”. Johnny was MAD. Susie answered
first.Keeping with the American theme the teacher asked, “Who said, ‘I Have a Dream’?” Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, “Martin Luther King”. The teacher said, “That’s right Mary. You can go”. Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary answered first.
“Good I’ll keep to American Presidents” she thought then asked, “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for
you’?” Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, “John Kennedy”. The teacher said, “That’s right Nancy. You can go”. Johnny was OFF HIS ROCKER. Nancy answered first.Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, “I wish these b**ches would keep their mouths shut”.
The teacher asked, “WHO SAID THAT?”
Johnny said, “TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?”
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I’VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM . . .
‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.
”Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.
”How much do you charge?
”Eighty dollars per visit,’ replied the doctor.
“I’ll sleep on it” I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. ‘Why didn’t you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?’ he asked.
‘Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!
A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!’
‘Is that so! With an attitude he asked and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?
”He told me to cut the legs off the bed! – Ain’t nobody under there now !!! ‘
FORGET THE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A
BARTENDER!A salesman goes up to a house in Durham Street and knocks on the front door. It’s opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.
Salesman: “Hello son. Is your mum or dad home ?”
Little boy: “What the ***** do you think?”
:shock:
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
