- This topic has 344 replies, 69 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 9 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
A hooded robber from Hindley burst into LLoyds Bank in Wigan and forced the cashiers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door a brave Wigan customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face.The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.
He looked around the bank and noticed one of the cashiers was staring straight at him.
The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.The Robber yelled, “Well, did anyone else see my face?”
There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.Then one old man from Pem tentatively raised his hand and said, “I think our Maude may have caught a glimpse of you.”
:shock:
:lol: I’m not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected that special resin into her crack…..she hasn’t even got a car!!
I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Gran’s dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself.
Matt Lucas’s ex-partner hanged himself this week. Matt is said to be distraught but on a lighter note, is now the only gay in the village.
A little girl walks into her parents’ bedroom.
” Holy Fuck” she screams “And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb…!!Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.
A man asks “What’s wrong?”
Boy says “Me Ma is dead”
“Oh bejaysus” the man says “Do you want me to get Father O’Riley ?”
Wee boy replies”No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now.”*** Once upon a time a guy asked a girl “Will you marry me?” . The girl said “No” and she lived happily ever after. She went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never farted upon. The End.
Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. Told them to ” Fuck Off”. Anyone who fits into my clothes isn’t starving!!!
Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it’s now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her gob shut.
Turned on my SatNav and it said ‘Bear Left’ and there was the zoo. How good is that?
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think ” I’m fucking having that!”
Man lost in a hot air ballon over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, “Where am I?”
The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back “You can’t kid me ya b ‘ stard, you’re in that feckin basket!”Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.
Paddy says “It’s my wife, I’ve accidentally shot her. I’ve killed her”
Operator “Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?”
CLICK,BANG
Paddy “OK, done that, what next?Do not send this on to at least five friends in the next 10 minutes. You will suffer no unforeseen consequences, you will not find the solution to world peace nor will you inherit an obscene amount of cash.
Apparently, after their last performance at Portsmouth, the next televised Liverpool match is being moved to the XXXporn channel, as 11 @rseholes was too much for sky sports.
:shock:
A little bit of seasonal cheer……
A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas-after all, they’ve only known each other for three weeks. Romantic, yet not too personal. Accompanied by her younger sister, he goes to the shopping centre and buys a pair of white gloves. The sister picks up a pair of panties for herself. But during the wrapping, the shop assistant mixes up the parcels. The sister gets the gloves, the guy takes home a gift box containing the panties. Without checking, the guy rushes the suspect gift to his sweetie, after drafting this loving & helpful note…
“I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she’d been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time. There’s no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for the coming Christmas Eve.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
………………………………………………………………
He laid her on the table.
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat.
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast.
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide…he looked inside.
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms…
And then he stuffed the turkey.
:o…………………………………………………………….
Bloke in shrinks office says I hate this time ov year gettin dressed up in a red and white outfit its so humiliating.
Shrink replies, Mr Gerard U chose 2 play 4 LiverpoolQ: What do you call a fat woman who likes men and women?
A: A bisexual built for two!…………………………………………………………….
The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened.
“Buffalo come,” remarked Tonto.
“How can you tell, Tonto?” asked the Lone Ranger.
“Face sticky!” :shock:Q: Why can’t Ms. Piggy count to 70?
A: Because when she reaches 69, she gets a frog in her throat.Q: If a motorcyclist runs into a woman, who is to blame?
A: The motorcyclist is. He shouldn’t have been riding in the kitchen?:o
Since his little affairs have come to light, several of Tiger Woods’ sponsors have dropped him.
However, Pfizer has decided to sponsor him.
They are making a new drug called Tiagra. It’s good for 18 holes.
A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues. It had been a bitterly cold night, but he’d never thought anything like this would happen. The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending
poverty.Just then, an elderly woman walked by, “What’s the matter?” asked the
old lady. The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his
predicament to the woman.Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cowsnoses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.
One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was
full of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.She declined his offer and walked off across the field. A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
“You know who that was don’t you?” asked the passer-by.
“No” said the farmer “who?”“That was Thora Hird”
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Showing your age there fella…………………..classic.
Here’s a few more ‘man’ jokes………………….awaits abuse from girlies on board.
Q: Why are there so many homes for battered women?
A: Because they just don’t f*****g listen!!As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger frantically jumps up, removes all her clothing and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone on this plane who is man enough?”
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this.”
Q: What do a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you’ve finished on the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box for the boneWhy do women have two sets of lips?
One set to b!tch at you with, and the other to apologise with.Scientists have discovered intelligent DNA in some women.
Unfortunately 95% of them spat it out!:twisted:
A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues. It had been a bitterly cold night, but he’d never thought anything like this would happen. The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending
poverty.Just then, an elderly woman walked by, “What’s the matter?” asked the
old lady. The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his
predicament to the woman.Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cowsnoses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.
One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was
full of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.She declined his offer and walked off across the field. A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
“You know who that was don’t you?” asked the passer-by.
“No” said the farmer “who?”“That was Thora Hird”
Could you please explain who Thora hird is, Sounds like it could be funny if i knew who it was. :)
You can tell a lot from the flowers you give a girl:
Red flowers symbolise “passion”.
Yellow flowers symbolise “love”.
And self raising flour symbolises “get in the kitchen and make me a cake biatch”.
Can’t resist…..
I was on the plane during a bit of turbulence and this little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said “Do something religious”. So I took up a collection
So I said to the taxi driver, “King Arthur’s Close” He said, “Don’t worry, we’ll lose him at the next set of lights”
When I was in the scouts, the leader told me to pitch a tent. I couldn’t find any pitch, so I used creosote.
I got home from work and the wife said – I’m very sorry dear, but the cat’s eaten your dinner” I said “Don’t worry– I’ll get you a new cat”
“Jus like that”…….. :D
The Frog and Golf
A man goes out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit 9 Iron.”
The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone. Again, he hears, “Ribbit 9 Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog.”
The frog replies, “Ribbit Lucky frog.”
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
“What do you think frog?” the man asks.
“Ribbit 3 wood.”
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!
Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, “OK where to next?”
The frog replies, “Ribbit Las Vegas.”
” They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “OK frog, now what?”
The frog says, “Ribbit Roulette.”
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, “What do you think I should bet?”
The frog replies, “Ribbit $3000, black 6.”
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.”
The frog replies,
“Ribbit Kiss Me.”He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a Gorgeous girl.
“And that is how the girl ended up in my room Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods.”
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
