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SCOTSMAN walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says…
“Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache.”
The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, “If you weren’t such an idiot, you’d know that’s a sheep, Not a cow.”
The guy replies, “If you weren’t such a presumptuous bitch,
You’d realize I was talking to the sheep.”
While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, ‘I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.’
The man looks a little perplexed and says, ‘Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.’
The doctor answers, ‘I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.’
The man screams in horror, ‘Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.’
The doctor replies, ‘Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.’
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims,
‘Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease..’
The guy says to the doctor, ‘Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!’
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. ‘Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!’
Oh, Thank God!’ the man replies.
‘Yes,’ says the Chinese doctor, ‘wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!’A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, Do you have water?
The Jewish man replied, I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.
The Taliban shouted, Infidel!
I do not need an over-priced tie!
I need water!
I should kill you, but I must find water first!OK!..said the old Jewish man, It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.
Shalom…Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
Your f***ing brother, won’t let me in without a tie!
Two Nuns were cycling down street. One Nun says to the other: I’ve never come this way before.” The other Nun replies: ” Oh, it must be the cobbles
It has been announced that all future televised Burnley matches will be transferred from Sky Sports to the Adult Gay Channel.
Apparently the sight of eleven assholes being hammered for 90 minutes every week is considered too explicit.
First time an Amish boy and his father were in a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, ‘What is this, Father?’
The father, never having seen an elevator responded, ‘Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is’.
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room..
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son…..
‘Go get your mother.’
A bride on her wedding night says to her new husband “I have a confession, I used to be a hooker”
“Actually, I find that a bit erotic – tell me more” he says.
“Well” she replied “my name was Nigel and I played for Castleford”Latics have signed a new striker from Nigeria.
On his first day of training, Roberto picked up the ball and said ‘BALL’ then pointed at the goal and said ‘Goal. Then he demonstrated a kicking motion and said ‘Kick’ understand, ‘Kick ball, goal, GOOOOOAAAALLL!’
Eventually the young African plucks up courage to say “Excuse me Mr Martinez but I speak very good English”, to which Roberto replies ‘ Sit down son, I’m talking to Scotland.’
A mushroom went to the bar and asked for a drink.
The bar man snapped back ‘we do’t serve your kind here’
The mushroom was amazed and said ‘Why not? I’m a fungai’
FA Cup Winners 2013, sounds good that
A man named Ralph appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St.Peter asked.
“Well, I can think of one thing,” the man offered. “Once, on a trip to the Brecon Beacons in South Wales , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily-tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, yelling “Now, back off or I’ll kick the sh1t out of all of you!”
St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”
“Just a couple minutes ago”.
Warriors fan told me this amazing joke :roll: (Most of you probably heard before)
How many Latics fans does it take to change a light bulb??
Both of them :|
Warriors fan told me this amazing joke :roll: (Most of you probably heard before)How many Latics fans does it take to change a light bulb??
Both of them :|
My response to this was….
How many Warriors fans does it take to break the scales if they stand on them?…One! The Big, fat, greasy, sweaty mongrels!
(I amuse myself :lol: You will all use that if you ever get told the previous joke ;) )Fella goes to the doctors complaining of a sore throat.
Doctor tells him to go the window and stick his tongue out.
Fella says: “Will that cure my sore throat”
Dcotor says: “No, I just don’t like that bloke standing at the bus stop”
With the elections coming up tomorrow, Manchester United Manager Sir Alex Ferguson has urged all his British players to get to their local polling stations to vote.
All will be voting except for Gary Neville as he is incapable of putting a cross into a box!
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