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Ashley Cole was caught doing 104mph in a 50mph zone. When questioned by police as to why he was speeding he said, “l’ve just heard John Terry is parked outside my house.”
AFTERNOON SEX
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon ‘quickie’ with their 8-year
old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
– ‘There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,’ he shouted.
– ‘An ambulance just drove by!’
– ‘Looks like the Andersons have company,’ he called out.
– ‘Matt’s riding a new bike!’
– ‘Looks like the Sanders are moving!’
– ‘Jason is on his skate board!’
After a few moments he announced, ‘The Coopers are having sex!!’Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out,
‘how do you know they are having sex?’‘Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.’
My Best Weekend
An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening
with a beautiful young gal at his side.He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new
girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000
ring.The old man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another
ring over… ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000’ the jeweler said.The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, “By
check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring
up Monday afternoon.”Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. ‘There’s no money in that
account’‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about my weekend!’
…..The guy who invented the tv remote died today.
They found his body down the back of the sofa!!!!!
A guy is 72years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, ‘Pick me up.’
He looked around and couldn’t see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,’Pick me up.’
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, ‘Are you talking to me?’
The frog said, ‘Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!’
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog said, ‘What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.’
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, ‘Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog
I booked a table for me and the wife for valentines day.
I should of known it would end in tears.She’s rubbish at snooker. :D
2 Jamaican guys called Delroy and Jerome are stranded in a desert. They’re starving and have not ate for ages. Suddenly Jerome them says ‘Delroy, look over there’, To which Delroy replies ‘what is it.’
‘I think it’s a Bacon Tree says Jerome’. They spend time disussing if it is a Bacon tree or just a mirage. After a minute Jerome runs over to it, and to his surprise, a group of blokes jump out of nowhere and start beating him up. After they finished Jerome went over to Leroy and said….
‘Leroy man, that wasn’t a bacon tree…. It was an Hambush’! :)
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they watched the boss leave work early.. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?The brunette was thrilled to be home early…she did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!
Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
No f**king way! the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,
and at the appropriate point in the process, the computeradvised him that he would now need to enter a password.
Something he will use to log on.The husband was in a rather amorous mood and
figured he would try for the shock effect to bring
this to his wife’s attention. So, when the computer asked
him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to
his wife what he was entering by stating each letter
out loud as he typed:P…E…N…I…S
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer
replied:**** PASSWORD REJECTED ****
** NOT LONG ENOUGH **
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”
“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”
Bartender: “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
Pirate: “Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”
Bartender: “Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”
Pirate: “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really.”
Bartender: “What about that eye patch?”
Pirate: “Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye.”
“You’re kidding,” said the bartender, “you couldn’t lose an eye just from bird poop.”
Pirate: “It was my first day with the hook.”
guy walk’s into a pie shop a sign on the counter say’s a large steak pie and a hand job £1.50 he look’s at the good looking girl serving and say’s do you give the hand jobs yes she says so the guy say’s ok wash your hand’s and get me a pie.
Not really jokes, but made me laugh…
The following have all appeared in church magazines so let us thank god for church ladies with typewriters.
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Next weekend’s Fasting & Prayer Conference in Whitby includes all meals.
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Sunday morning sermon: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water’
Sunday evening sermon: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation .
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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.————————–
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The school drama group will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church hall on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours!’IRISH SAUSAGES
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said ‘Hang on, I have an idea.’
He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said ‘Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money at all!’
Murphy replied, ‘Don’t worry – just follow me.’
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said ‘Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!’
Murphy replied, with a smile. ‘Don’t worry, I have a plan , Cheers! ‘
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, ‘OK, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.’
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said ‘Murphy – I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killing me!’
Murphy said, ‘How do you think I feel? I can’t even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.’
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