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So, there’s this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pi**ed
off because he doesn’t want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he was brown like other toads.. He’d sure be less visible to predators for one thing.Anyway…this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.
He begs her: “Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such.”
The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says “Abracapokus! You’re brown!”
The toad looks down and sees that he’s brown except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother:
“Wait a minute! My willy’s still yellow!”
To this the fairy godmother replies: “I don’t do willys. You will have to see the The Wizard of Oz for that.”
The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: “Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off.”
She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says: “Pokuscadabra! You’re brown!”
The bear looks down and sees the he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries, they remain purple. He says:
“My willy is still purple!”She says: “I don’t do willys, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that.”
To this the bear replies: “Well that’s just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?”
The fairy godmother answers: “That’s easy…..just follow the yellow dick Toad!”
So, there’s this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pi**ed
off because he doesn’t want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he was brown like other toads.. He’d sure be less visible to predators for one thing.Anyway…this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.
He begs her: “Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such.”
The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says “Abracapokus! You’re brown!”
The toad looks down and sees that he’s brown except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother:
“Wait a minute! My willy’s still yellow!”
To this the fairy godmother replies: “I don’t do willys. You will have to see the The Wizard of Oz for that.”
The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: “Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off.”
She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says: “Pokuscadabra! You’re brown!”
The bear looks down and sees the he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries, they remain purple. He says:
“My willy is still purple!”She says: “I don’t do willys, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that.”
To this the bear replies: “Well that’s just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?”
The fairy godmother answers: “That’s easy…..just follow the yellow dick Toad!”
*Hangs head in shame. :|
HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
God went to the Arabs and said,
‘I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.’The Arabs asked, ‘What are Commandments?’
And the Lord said, ‘They are rules for living.’‘Can you give us an example?’
‘Thou shall not kill.’
‘Not kill? We’re not interested..’
So He went to the Blacks and said, ‘I have Commandments.’
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
‘Honor thy Father and Mother.’‘Father? We don’t know who our fathers are.
We’re not interested.’Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
‘I have Commandments.’The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said ‘Thou shall not steal.’
‘Not steal? We’re not interested.’
Then He went to the French and said,
‘I have Commandments.’The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, ‘Thou shall not commit adultery.’
‘Sacre blue!!! Not commit adultery? We’re not interested.’
Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
‘I have Commandments.’‘Commandments?’ They said, ‘How much are they?’
‘They’re free.’
‘We’ll take 10.’
There, that should offend just about everybody.
FA Cup Winners 2013, sounds good that
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says………
“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.”
“Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. ”
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon … every imaginable kind of cured pork.
“Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree.”
“Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don’t forget.”
“Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon…ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree.”
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
“Pepe… go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!”
“Luis, Luis mi amigo… what ees it? ”
“Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush…..”
2 boys are playing in they’re garden when suddenly a naked woman runs into the garden and starts dancing.One of the boys looks and starts to get very excited and the other boy runs away.He asked ” why didn’t you look at her?He replies, “well my mum says if I look at naked women i will turn to stone, and something started going hard.
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin,and orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room.
Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.
When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.
The barman says,
“You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it, your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
Patrick replies, “Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ; and de odder in Australia, and here I am in Dublin .
When we all left home, we promised dat we’d drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder.”
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
Patrick becomes a regular customer,and always drinks the same way……
Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.
One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.
All the other regulars in the bar notice! and fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says,
“I don’t want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”
Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh,
“Oh no,” he says, “Bejesus, everyone is fine!
Tis me ……………………
I’ve quit drinking!”
Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number 82.
I’m easily lead.
Imagine you’re a girl in Primark, queuing in single file. The girl in front doesn’t have her purse. To your dismay you realise you don’t have yours. Your friend at the back of the queue offers to throw her purse to you. You can’t queue jump until the purse has been thrown. Once the purse has been thrown you can quickly dodge the girl in front of you and pay.
That’s right girls, the offside rule in a language you can understand.
S********a’s a good site for jokes, isn’t it, Sammy? Although some are very very incorrect ;)Maybe I should have just posted a link to the site GL?
No – not really suitable for all – particularly younger or more sensitive readers – I think, so better not to ;)
Another thought of the day.
‘Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?’
Did you hear about the Frenchman who couldn’t count beyond the number seven. He had a huit allergy.Zut alors Sammy, most of our members can’t even speak English.
Incidentally, I was telling my French friends once that although I pronounced this ‘zoot’ alors my mate always pronoucned it more like ‘zyoot’ alors. I was told that both are technically correct, though my version has the translates with the more traditional “oh crikey” meaning, whereas his is a little less “Famous 5-ish” and means something along the lines of “I want to blow my come in your face”. :shock:
I kid you not. It’s full of subtle nuances, the French langauge
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