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A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart store and asks,
in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,
“Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?”
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
“I don’t think my python weally gives a thit.”
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is
asked where he is going at this time of night.The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the
effects it has on the human body.”The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this
time of night?”The man replies… “My wife.”
FA Cup Winners 2013, sounds good that
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘No not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.’
I went to bangkok for a testicle operation.The nurse cupped my balls and said…Dont worry,its normal to get an erection when doing this,
but I said i havnt got an erection …she said I HAVE..A drunk who smelled of alcohol sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”
The priest replies, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”
The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be damned, ” Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a
conversation , for fear it would turn to politics.As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, ‘No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I’ve been in a whorehouse.’
The second barber turned to Bush and said, ‘How about you sir ?’ Bush replied, ‘Go ahead; my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.’
dwarf goes into a bar and says to a pretty woman,
“can i smell your pussy?”
“certainly not!” exclaimed the woman.
the dwarf replies, “must be your feet then…”scientists in walsall crossed a hyena with an oxo cube
but have admitted they ended up with a laughing stock ….Three friends married women from different parts of the world…..
The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn’tsee any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Wigan. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything.
By the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he passes water.
George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation , for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, ‘No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I’ve been in a whorehouse.’
The second barber turned to Bush and said, ‘How about you sir ?’ Bush replied, ‘Go ahead; my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.’
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy, in Harlech.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it..
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. ‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time..’
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She then beat the sh*t out of me…….
Loadmouth, bickymon, natdan et al who think we should be fighting for Europe.
They are the real clowns
Europe has decided it is no longer acceptable to call illegal immigrants or asylum seekers.They should now be addressed as travellers without authority to stay, :roll: :roll: :roll: or T.W.A.T.S. for short. :lol: :lol:
Middle age woman walks in to the living room naked”Hubby says why ya naked? She replys this is my love dress…Hubby replys well f#cking iron it then….
Things you can get away with saying at christmas. 1 tying the legs together keeps the inside moist… 2 smother butter all over the breasts! 3 if i don’t undo my trousers i’ll burst! 4 its a little dry,do you still want to eat it ? 5 stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 6 Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once ? 7 I didn’t expect everyone to come at the same time! 8 You still have a little bit on your chin. 9 You’ll knows it ready when it pops out. 10 I’m so full, I’ve been gobbling nuts all morning.
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