› Forums › Non Football Stuff › The Joke Thread……
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9 January 2011 at 8:26 pm #55048Things you can get away with saying at christmas. 1 tying the legs together keeps the inside moist… 2 smother butter all over the breasts! 3 if i don’t undo my trousers i’ll burst! 4 its a little dry,do you still want to eat it ? 5 stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 6 Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once ? 7 I didn’t expect everyone to come at the same time! 8 You still have a little bit on your chin. 9 You’ll knows it ready when it pops out. 10 I’m so full, I’ve been gobbling nuts all morning.
Can get away with saying them all the time x
9 January 2011 at 10:56 pm #55058Scientists have crossed a male chicken with an onion and have finally got a white cock that brings tears to women’s eyes! :lol: :lol: :lol:
9 January 2011 at 11:15 pm #55059A bloke say’s to a bird in a nightclub Hi my name’s Bond,She SAYS dont tell me it’s James,He sayno its unibond im here to fill your crack! x
9 January 2011 at 11:47 pm #55061Policeman pull’s over Paddy for speeding ”Have been drinking Sir?” Paddy replies ”yes officer ive had about 18 pints 2 bottle’s of hooch and 6 bacardi and coke’s, Policeman says what the hell are you doing driving?? Paddy replies I couldn’t f@ck-ng walk’!
10 January 2011 at 9:11 pm #55103Howard Webb’s kids have denied their Dad is a secret Man Utd fan! He is totally unbiased’ Alex George,Bobby, Matt and Cristiano stated. :lol:
16 January 2011 at 8:15 pm #55733A policeman in Adelaide pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic.
He approached the car window and said “Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyzer”.
The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor’s note.
On it was written:
“This man suffers from chronic asthma.
Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath”.The policeman said “Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample”
The man produced another letter.
This one said:
“This man is a haemophiliac.
Please do not cause him to bleed in any way”.So the officer said: “Right, I need a urine sample then”.
The man produces a third letter from his pocket.
It read:
“This man plays Cricket for Australia ,
please don’t take the p*ss out of him”20 January 2011 at 1:35 am #56062From the BBC – Read by John Cleese.
ANNOUNCEMENT
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, Mate.” Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!” “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
23 January 2011 at 5:03 am #56420Two iPhone 4’s got married. It was a lovely ceremony, but the reception was awful…
Apparently they held it in the wrong place…..
31 January 2011 at 10:18 pm #57519A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, ‘I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.’So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, ‘Come on in.’
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.A man reclining on the couch asked, ‘Are you the people that broke my window?’
‘Uh…yeah! , sir. We’re sure sorry about that,’ the husband replied.
‘Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for my self.’Wow, that’s great!’ the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, ‘I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.’
‘No problem,’ said the genie ‘You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do. And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life!’
‘And now you, young lady, what do you want?’ the genie asked.
‘I’d like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,’ she said.
‘Consider it done,’ the genie said. ‘And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!’
‘And now,’ the couple asked in unison, ‘what’s your wish, genie?’
‘Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.’
The husband looked at his wife and said, ‘Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?’
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, ‘You know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?’
You know I love you sweetheart,’ said the husband.I’d do the same for you!’
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?’‘Why, we’re both 35,’ she responded breathlessly
‘No Kidding,’ he said.
‘Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?’
FA Cup Winners 2013, sounds good that
5 February 2011 at 1:28 am #58274Scientist’s have discovered a human jawbone that is over two million year’s old” they believe it belong to a woman as it was still f@cking moving!!! :thumbup:
5 February 2011 at 1:39 am #58279Paddy is painting the lounge when his Wife walks in and can’t beleive Paddy is doing so well, But to her surprise he’s hot and the sweat is dripping off him, She asks, ” Why are you wearing a leather jacket and Parka?” Paddy says, ”Hello read the tin it says for best results put on two coats!” :thumbup:
5 February 2011 at 10:41 am #58358Shell suits, Lonsdale, Le Coq Sportif, Tacchini and now Andy Carroll.
Mike Ashley has been selling overpriced sh*t to scousers for years
11 February 2011 at 2:13 am #59085Saw a Bolton fan today wiv three lions on his chest
Good at them safari parks innit! :D :D :D :D
20 February 2011 at 10:05 pm #60084A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, ‘I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.’
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, ‘Come on in.’
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.A man reclining on the couch asked, ‘Are you the people that broke my window?’
‘Uh…yeah! , sir. We’re sure sorry about that,’ the husband replied.
‘Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for my self.’Wow, that’s great!’ the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, ‘I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.’
‘No problem,’ said the genie ‘You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do. And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life!’
‘And now you, young lady, what do you want?’ the genie asked.
‘I’d like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,’ she said.
‘Consider it done,’ the genie said. ‘And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!’
‘And now,’ the couple asked in unison, ‘what’s your wish, genie?’
‘Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.’
The husband looked at his wife and said, ‘Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?’
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, ‘You know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?’
You know I love you sweetheart,’ said the husband.I’d do the same for you!’
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?’‘Why, we’re both 35,’ she responded breathlessly
‘No Kidding,’ he said.
‘Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?’
22 February 2011 at 12:30 am #60202The seven dwarves went to meet the pope.
“Go on Dopey ask him”
chanted the other six! “Ok” said dopey.
“Sir are there nuns in Alaska?” “Yes there are”
said the pope. “Go on Dopey ask him”
urged the other six. “Ok” said Dopey,
“Sir are there black nuns in Alaska?”
“Yes there are ” said the pope.
“Go on Dopey ask him”
Dopey blushed “Are there midget black nuns in Alaska?”
“No I dont think so” replied the pope.
All six leapt up shouting
“Dopey sh@gged a penguin! -
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› Forums › Non Football Stuff › The Joke Thread……