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An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
‘I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day …… And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.’
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!‘Why, that’s amazing!’ the doctor said, ‘Did you follow my instructions?’
The Irishman nodded …
‘I’ll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t’aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.’
‘>From the hunger, you mean?’ asked the doctor.
‘No, from the skippin’.The M,O,D Have said that if they get hold of Gadafi,he will be put somewhere he can do no damage,So he is playing up front for Latics for rest of the season. :clap: :clap: :clap: :violin:
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 & 22 a woman is like Africa….half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 22 & 30 a woman is like America ….well developed & open to trade, especially for high financed investors.
Between 31 & 45 a woman is like India….very hot, relaxed & convinced of her own beauty.
Between 46 & 55 a woman is like France….gently ageing but sensual, with an appreciation for the finer things.
Between 56 & 60 she is like Yugoslavia….lost the war, haunted by past mistakes & in need of massive reconstruction.
From 61 on, a woman is like Afghanistan….everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 15 & 80 a man is like Libya….ruled by a dick!
I met two girls down the pub last night who had strong Cardiff accents.
I said, “I know that accent. You two ladies are from Scotland, aren’t you?”
“Wales, you ****ing idiot,” one of them replied.
“Sorry,” I said, “You two whales are from Scotland, aren’t you?”A banker, a Daily Mail reader and a benefit claimant are sitting at a table sharing 12 biscuits. The banker takes 11 and says to the Daily Mail reader, ‘Watch out for the benefit claimant he wants your biscuit’
Sat upstairs on the bus today and a woman came over and offered to blow me for a tenner. When she’d finished she wiped her mouth and lit a cigarette.
What is the World coming to when 14 year olds can buy cigarettes??
A Scotsman,an English man,A Welsh man and an Irish man met up with a French man,an Italian, a Spaniard,a Greek, a Cypriot, a Belgian,a Bulgarian, a Swede, a Finn, an American, a Mexican, a Russian, a Czech, a Lithuanian, a Brazilian, an Aussie, an Argentinian, a New Zealander and a South African for a meal in a very posh restuarant. As they walked in they were met by the manager. He said, “Sorry,I can`t let you in without a Thai.”
I saw a sign outside a remedial school that said ‘Slow… Children’. I thought that was cruel, but on the positive side, they can’t read it anyway.
A man goes to confession after a sixteen year absence.
As he sits in the booth, he looks around and says to the priest, confession is different these days father,I don’t remember a leather chair, bottles of whiskey,guinness on tap and porn mags being in the booth before?
The preist says, thats because your sitting in my side.Man is a woman’s best friend.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure
and comfort her after a bad day.He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do;
to live without fear and forget regret.
He will enable her to express her deepest emotions
and give in to her most intimate desires.
He will make sure she always feels that she’s the most beautiful
woman in the room and will enable her to be confident,
sexy, seductive, and invincible.No wait…… sorry……. I’m thinking of wine.
It’s wine that does all that.
Sorry.
Just been announced Elton John to perform at Bin Ladens funeral,” Sandle’s in the Bin” is gona be a huge hit! :dance: :dance: :dance:
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset. ‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!’
And the husband replied, ‘Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened..’
‘Fine, go ahead,’ she sobbed,’ but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’And the husband began — ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.’
The husband took a quick breath and continued – ‘She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘Please … Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?’
Emile Heskey (England) 59 caps, 7 goals.
Rene Higuita (Colombia) 68 caps, 8 goals.
Jose Luis Chilavert (Paraguay) 74 caps, 8 goals.
Unlucky Emile, the other two are goalkeepers…
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