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Just before he died we rubbed my grandfather’s back with lard.
But he went downhill very quickly after that. :shock:
A woman is sitting at home on the veranda with her husband and she says, “I love you.”
He asks, “Is that you or the wine talking?”
She replies, “It’s me…..talking to the wine.”
I went to the doctors. He said ‘I’d like you to lie on the couch’.
I said ‘What for?’
He said ‘I’d like to sweep the floor’I went to the doctors. He said ‘What appears to be the problem?’.
I said ‘I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away’.
He said ‘How can I help?’.
I said ‘Break my arms!’I went to the doctor the other day,
I said ‘it hurts when I do that’
he said ‘ well don’t do it’I went to the doctor the other day,
I said ‘with all the excirment of Christmas I can’t sleep”
he said ‘ Try lying on the edge of your bed, you’ll soon drop off’God Bless Sir Tommy Cooper…..
A man goes to the doctors and says he would like to speak with an Irish accent. The doctor said it can be done, but would require removing 25% of his brain. The patient thinks this fair enough and undergoes the surgery. When he awakes the doctor is at his bedside with a very serious look on his face.
“I’m sorry, there has been an error! The surgeon left 25% of you brain”.
The patient replied “Fair dinkum, no worries mate!”After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Australian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and
came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.Not to be outdone by the Aussies, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and, shortly
after, a story was published in the New York Times: “American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have
concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Australians”.One week later, the Council in Essex , reported the following:
“After digging as deep as 30 feet in Colchester, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found
absolutely stuff all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless.”I met a big fat bird in a club last night and I said to her
“Jesus your a big lass arn’t you”With a tear in her eye she said “Tell me something I don’t know”
So I said
“Salad tastes nice”
Just having a tattoo of an indian done on my back and asked the tattooist ” canyou do him holding a tomahawk”? He said “hold on i’m still doing the turban”
Dear Deidre I was watching my next door neighbours
daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window.
As i was knocking one out i turned to notice my wife just standing there arms folded……. watching me.Is she a pervert?
So Rooney’s old man got nicked after ‘Suspicious and irregular betting’ !!!!!! Apparently He put a Tenner on Wigan to win their next two games. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Technology
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Australian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Aussies, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and, shortly after, a story was published in the New York Times: “American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Australians”.
One week later, the Council in Essex , reported the following:
“After digging as deep as 30 feet in Colchester, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely stuff all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless.”
Just makes you bloody proud to be British.
I was seriously injured in a Chinese cooking accident the other day. The doctors told me that I might never be able to wok again
jacko’s doctor has already been invited on to the prison boxing team………..apparently he’s got a lethal jab
chelsea training session – terry gets the ball and dribbles it around malouda then ramires and finally anelka. AVB shakes his head and shouts ” THE CONES JOHN, ROUND THE CONES”!
police suspect foul play in the death of joe frazier. They’re currently grilling george foreman ;)
A man goes into Dr and says”I have a problem after i masturbate i sing GLORY GLORY MAN UNITED!” Dr Says “I know a lot of Wankers who sing that”
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