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I braked as hard as i could but still hit the car in front of me.A Gorgeous blonde in high heels and micro mini skirt gets out and yells at me.
“Ram me up the Fucking Arse” why don’t you?This your Honour is where i beleive all the confusion began!!!A dog walks into the job center and sits down at the desk. He tells the man
“I’m looking for a job.”
The man is amazed and exclaims,
“A talking dog! I should have no problem finding you a job with the circus.”
The dog looks confused and asks,
“The circus? Don’t they move from place to place, never really settling?”
“Yes,” says the man, “why?”
“Well, what would they want with a landscape gardener?”Just got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the
head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.FA Cup Winners 2013, sounds good that
Just got back from my mate’s funeral too. He fell off the roof while fixing the TV aerial.
It was a sad service, but the reception was brilliant.
4 nuns killed in a road accident at the pearly gates when St Peter says to them,
“As nuns you were married to the lord and he needs to know you were faithful unto him so I have a question for each of you before you are welcomed into his home”
He says to first nun “have you had any sexual contact with any other men”?
1st nun replies “I once saw a mans willy”
He replies “wash your eyes in the holy water and you are forgiven and you can take your place in Gods home”
To second nun “have you had any sexual contact with any other men”?
2nd nun replies “I once touched a mans willy”
He replies “wash your hands in holy water and you are forgiven and you can take your place in gods home”
Just then a scuffle breaks out behind him and the fourth nun shoves the third nun out of the way and pushes in to which Peter shouts
“Oi wheres the fire then”
The nun screams at him “listen here you if ive got to drink that stuff im doing it before she sticks her fat arse in it”
:P
Paddy working on the site falls 30 foot off the scaffold,as the lads gather round him the boss shouts “quick give him a drink of water” to which Paddy replies “how far would I need to fall to get a guinness”? :P
Penguin walks in a bar and asks the barman “Pint of lager please my good man” He then drinks his pint in one does a double somersault and leaves the bar walking on his hands,a bemused customer turns to the barman and says”why thats the most unusual thing ive ever seen” barman says “I? know it is he normally drinks mild :P
My wife just rang to say Gavin from auto glass has just been and injected his resin into her crack. I’m not normally suspicious, but I’ve got the f*King car!!!
Definition of Bravery… Come home from the pub drunk, covered in lipstick and perfume, slapped the misses on the ass and say “Okay Bitch, you’re next!”
I knocked on a womens door last week and said “do you believe in free speech?” The women said yes so i said can i use your phone then.
Ken Goodwin
That advert about looking for the signs of bowel cancer…
It’s bloody sh!t
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