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Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Athens airport.
“Nationality?” asks the Immigration Officer.
“German,” she replies.
“Occupation?”
“Nein, just here for a few days!”FA Cup Winners 2013, sounds good that
I was in Tesco and the woman behind the till said “Strip down facing me”.
How was I supposed to know she meant my credit card?
http://www.conjunctivitis dot com
A site for sore eyes!
The other night I was invited out for a night with the lads. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the amber nectar went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit pi$$ed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her. (Even when totally smashed… three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals twelve cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in. I told her ‘MIDNIGHT’. She didn’t seem annoyed in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then she said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.”
When I asked her why, she said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh sh*t.’ Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”
“Barman, a Storm please.”
“I’m not familiar with that drink, sir.”
“Diet coke and port.”
“What kind of port, sir?”
“Any port.”
Bloke goes into a pub and asks
“Bartender give me 2 pints of every draught and bottled beer you sell please”
The barman obliges and duly lines up all the drinks which takes up the whole length of the bar.The bloke then drinks the whole lot one after another till not another drop remains.He turns to the barman and says with slurred speech
“Bartender do you sell shorts?”
“of course sir” was the reply to which the man says
“Well you had better sell me a pair then coz ive just shit myself” ;)
I was browsing the local paper for the football scores. There were some interesting ones in the Musketeer League – all 4-1…..and one 4 all!!
I went in the corner shop the other day, said to the girl behind the counter ‘I’ll have a kit kat chunkie’,
She gave me one of those new thicker kit kats, so i asked her again, i want a kit kat you fat bitch.
A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce. The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some tosser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.” As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager found the boy and said, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?”
“Originally from Essex sir,” the boy replied.
“Why did you leave Essex?” the manager asked.
The boy answered, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and footballers there.”
“Really?” said the manager. “My wife is from Essex.”
“No shit!” the boy replied. “Who does she play for?”
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