- This topic has 344 replies, 69 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 9 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Somewhere, sitting in his living room, a man named Colin Wanker tearfully realises that his name is an anagram of Neil Warnock.
On the train to work this morning saw a woman reading 50 Shades of Grey.
I said….”Hey! no need to lick your fingers to turn the page eh?”
“F£ck Off you dirty B@stard” she said.
Fookin pretentious these Kindle owners………
I was talking to this chunkie bird with big tits on King Street tonight.
“My eyes are up here”
I said as she gazed lovingly at my kebab.
A young woman gets a job in a hardware store and it’s her first day behind the counter.
A man walks in, goes up to the young lady and says, “I’d like a bastard file please”.
The girl runs off into the back of the shop sobbing her eyes out.
The manager asks what the matter is.
“There’s a man in the shop and he’s swearing at me”.
“Swearing at you! We’ll see about that” and the manager promptly confronts the customer.
“What’s all this about you swearing at my staff?”
“Swearing?” says the man. “But I only asked for a bastard file”.
“I’m very sorry sir”, replies the manager. “She’s new to the job and doesn’t yet know all the technical terms”. He gives the man his file.
The manager then explains to the girl that there is such a thing as a bastard file.An hour later another man comes into the shop. “I’d like a file please”, he says.
“A bastard?” asks the girl confidently.
“No, one of those little fuckers in the window will do”, says the man.When I got home from work tonight I ripped the wife,s knickers clean off,
Im not wearing them things again they are way to tight for me.
Q. Whats the difference between a tyre and 365 condoms?
A. One is a Goodyear and the other is an extremely good year.
My wife asked me if I would like her to slip into something I would really appreciate.
The bitch kicked me in the goolies when I replied “a coma”
My missus accused me of caring more about my fantasy football team than my own kids.
In my defence…
I had Rio Ferdinand, John Terry, Ashley Cole and Glen Johnson.
I was working late at the Carphone Warehouse last night when I received this text from my daughter:
‘Dad,thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphone.
Whenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative.’And as I eagerly rushed home, I couldn’t help but wonder…
What the hell does ‘ternative’ mean?
—————————————————————-
Brad goes into a bookstore and asks the young lady assistant,
“Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?”
She replies, “I’m not sure if it’s in yet.”
“That’s the one; I’ll take a copy.”
Janet Street-Porter walks into a bar and says “Can I get a large aperitif?”
“I fuckin doubt it” says the barman.
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk.
Did you hear about the serial Indian wife beater-who would beat his wife every night at 7pm on the dot
A beautiful woman went to the gynaecologist… The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, Do you know what I am doing?
Yes, she replied, You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.
That s right, said the doctor.. He then began to fondle her breasts. Do you know what I am doing now? he asked.
Yes, she said, You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.
Correct, replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, Do you know what I am doing now?
Yes, she said, You’re getting syphilis; which is why I came here in the first place.
Bloke walks into his house with a chicken under his arm and says “this is the pig I’ve been fuckin”
His wife says “that’s not a pig, it’s a chicken, you stupid bastard”
“I was talking to the chicken”.
A chap is seen running out of of Asda with a joint of meat under his arm.
Security mon shouts. ” oi, what are you doing with that?”
mon shouts back ” a few roasters, gravy and veg, now fck off”
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
