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I love the little tasters….
Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat.
Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.I’ve always been unlucky.
I had a rocking horse once, and it diedTwo blondes walk into a building………….
you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli……..
A strong currant pulled him in.I went to a seafood disco last week…………
and pulled a mussel. (ouch!)And finally my all time favorite…..
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says:
“Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
God Bless you Mr Tommy Cooper.
Two mates in a pub. One says to the other:
“Hey mate, if I went and had yer missus and got her pregnant, would that make us related?”
His mate:
“No. It would make us even”.
Latest news in from the disaster in Haiti……
“Rescue teams have been arriving. British team arrived with extensive lifting gear. Canadian team arrived with large pulling systems. German team arrived with large computerized drilling system. American team arrived with high-tech infra-red search system. The Irish team has arrived………….
In F**kin Mexico.”
An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands . He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order,
a Foster’s, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his
place.Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.
As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.
She remembers the payout from night before and is only too happy to agree.This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays
him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.She asks him where he’s from in Australia …
‘ Melbourne ‘, he tells her.
‘So am I. What suburb?’ she enquires.
‘Glen Iris’ he replies.
‘That’s amazing,’ she says excitedly, ‘so am I – what street?’
‘ Cameo Street ‘ he replies.
‘This is unbelievable………’ she says, her voice quavering;
‘What number?’
‘Number 20’, he replies.
She is totally astonished. ‘You are NOT going to believe this,’ she screams, ‘but I’m from number 22! My parents still live there!’
.block quote
‘I know…’ he says, ‘Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you’
HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIANAn Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands . He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order,
a Foster’s, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his
place.Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.
As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.
She remembers the payout from night before and is only too happy to agree.This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays
him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.She asks him where he’s from in Australia …
‘ Melbourne ‘, he tells her.
‘So am I. What suburb?’ she enquires.
‘Glen Iris’ he replies.
‘That’s amazing,’ she says excitedly, ‘so am I – what street?’
‘ Cameo Street ‘ he replies.
‘This is unbelievable………’ she says, her voice quavering;
‘What number?’
‘Number 20’, he replies.
She is totally astonished. ‘You are NOT going to believe this,’ she screams, ‘but I’m from number 22! My parents still live there!’
.block quote
‘I know…’ he says, ‘Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you’
HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIANGood un that Landgate :D
Did you know that Australians don’t even drink Fosters much? Isn’t even one of the commercial beers over there. Most of them don’t even like it apparently. One of them sa (and quote) ‘Every time I’ve been to a bar someone has asked me why I’m not drinking Foster’s – isn’t it Australian for beer? I sigh, and then inform them that Down Under we’d rather drink water – and that speaks volumes.’
That is a fact, knowledge is the bomb, and I thank you :)A Polish bloke drinks his beer and throws his glass into the air, pulls a pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says “In Poland our glasses are so cheap we don’t need to drink from the same glass twice”.
A Pakistani, impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots h…is glass to pieces. He says, “In Pakistan we have so much sand to make glasses we don’t need to drink out of the same glass either”.
The Brit, not to be outdone, drinks his pint, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his pump action shot gun, blasts the Pole and the Paki and catches his glass. He says “In Britain we’ve got that many Poles & Pakis that we don’t have to drink with the same ones twice. God save the Queen.” :lol:
George, a businessman, with homburg and brolly, came home from work and heard his wife shouting from upstairs.
“George….George….Is that you?” He went up and found her lying in a luke warm bath, with her big toe stuck up the tap.
“What have you done?” He asked.
She explained “I was just playing around….and it’s stuck fast”.
Well, they tried everything. Butter, cooking oil, WD40…..nothing worked.
“Sorry love…gonna have to ring the Fire Brigade”, he said.
She gasped “But George, what about my bits? They’ll see my parts!”
So George takes off his homburg, and she covered her parts with it.
Soon after, the Fire Brigade arrived, with 3 of them working to free her toe. Eventually, with a bit of heave-ho they managed to free her.
Chief Fireman said “Well love, we’ve free’d your toe…..
….but we can do fuc* all for Acker Bilk.” :lol:
I went to a nightclub last week.
It was a good night, I pulled a midget.
The sex was great, but I had nobody to talk to. :lol:
I know my son’s a secret w**ker.
How?
I’ve just found the evidence hidden under his bed.A Man Utd shirt!
An old man goes to his GP for some tests. His GP tells him he’ll need a sperm sample.
So the doctor hands over a bottle for the sample, and tells the old man to return in a few days time.
A few days later, the old man returns with an empty bottle, the doctor asks why.
“I tried everything.” He replied, “right hand nothing, left hand nothing.”
“So I got the wife to have a go, right hand nothing, left hand nothing, teeth in nothing, teeth out nothing.”
“We even got Dorothy from next door to have a try, right hand nothing, left hand nothing, teeth in nothing, teeth out nothing.”
“It was no good, we just couldn’t get the bastard lid off!!”
After having read Griff’s positioning in the ‘Tomorrow People’ thread…….
JamesC has left the board and found a new job as a ‘real-time Error 404’ screen writer.
You have to wait a second for him to notice you’re there
Click here to see depressed JamesC at work
:D
Barak Obama and Gordon Brown are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
Barak goes first.
“What will the USA be like in 100 years time”
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out “The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries”
Gordon thinks “Its not bad this time machine, I’ll have a bit of that” so he asks “What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?”
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.
But he’s just staring at it.
“Come on Gordon” says Barak, “What does it say”
Gordon replies, “F—-d if I know ! It’s all in Arabic!”
:shock:I used to love dinner time at school, a game of rugby or footy with the lads, winning money off the 1st years at pitch & toss, looking through porno mags with the boys and having a quick fumble with the school slappers at the back of the bike sheds. Yeah that caretakers job was great!!!!
John Terry has lost the England Captain’s armband.
Capello has already phoned Wayne Bridge to ask if it’s under the bed!
My wife sent me a picture earlier with ‘This is whats waiting for you when you get home’. I’m not sure if I’m getting lucky or we’re having chicken.
My girlfriend found it quite funny that I lost 50 quid after backing Andy Murray to beat Roger Federer. Unfortunately for her my backhand is world class.
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